If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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