I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
