After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
