he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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