I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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