I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
