I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
