I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
