Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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