The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
