I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
