when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
