He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
