She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
