Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i love accidental penises.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
