i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
