Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
pop tarts are not kleenex
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
