You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
