My pussy is not your playground.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
