The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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