I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
