If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
