Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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