Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
