I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
