did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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