All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
