Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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