My friends, they love my intelligence
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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