Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
