Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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