forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
