Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
