I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
