Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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