It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
