I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
