apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
