I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
