You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
