My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
