if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
