Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
