I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
