i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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