real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
