at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
