Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
