I wish my penis had an off switch
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
