I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
