I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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